10/1/2017

Last weekend, I had this huge fight with my mother again. It was over the usual stuff: politics. She’s waaaaay more Conservative than I am, and no matter how much we try to avoid talking about that stuff, it always comes to verbal blows. Anyway, it’s never pleasant fighting with her, but we always manage to make nice. But last week…she said something that I haven’t been able to let just roll off my back.

She told me that she didn’t want to see me anymore.

If you’ve ever had a parent, or a child, tell you that they don’t want to see you again, you know how much that hurts. If you haven’t, well…it hurts a lot. Because friendships, romantic relationships, they come and go. But the bond between parent and child…that’s just something you can’t break that easily. It’s an indelible part of you. Your parent is supposed to be the one that always, always loves you, no matter what, and when they throw you away…the pain is indescribable.

I love my mom, even though I don’t always agree with her. And I would never say anything like that to her, no matter how angry I got with her.

I don’t think I’ve ever been hurt like this before. Not when my first dog died, not when my father died, not when my first love dumped me…nothing.

I know it seems like not that big a deal because people sometimes say things when they’re angry that they don’t mean, but it just hurt me so bad. And my mom’s always been my emotional support. But when I’m not even speaking to my emotional support…I just feel so alone.

Yeah, so I’m not speaking to my mother right now, really. She just stopped by to drop off some stuff and it was…harsh. I even had to miss my nephew’s fourth birthday party just to avoid her.

It just…it really hurts. And I wish I could just forget about it, but I don’t know if I can. ~TRL

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New Beginnings

Today was my first day at my new university…and man, was I trepidacious.

Uprooting yourself from what you’re acclimatized to is always a traumatic experience. I had to leave my school, my teachers, my apartment, and my friends all back in Waco. A new start. And this time, I didn’t really want one.

However…it hasn’t been the awful experience I was dreading.

My apartment is nice. Bigger bedroom, bigger closet, my own bathroom! Bliss, thy name is privacy. Also, no more crummy bitch monsters as roommates. The three girls I’m living with now are nice, considerate, and friendly. They actually invite me to do things with them! The other day we all went to a comedy show at our school together, and yesterday we went to one of those Paint-A-Plate places and got froyo afterward, then went for a late night swim. This is what the college experience is supposed to be, not hiding in your bedroom watching Netflix because your roommates hate you.

So, the first day. First of all, my new campus is sprawling compared to my old one. As I mapped out my schedule, I realized with some despondency that I had quite the daily trudge ahead of me.

My first class was Writing For Mass Media. I…don’t really have an impression of it yet. The teacher just introduced herself, told us which book to buy, that was pretty much it. I guess we’ll see.

After that, I had History of Costume, and on my way there I made two interesting discoveries: tomorrow night, there’s a “lavender mixer” for LGBT+ students. Shoot, you know I’m going to that! Where my people at? But what am I going to wear?

The other discovery was…Brian! An old friend of mine from high school. Brian was one of the few theatre kids who wasn’t a total asshat. (His name isn’t actually Brian, but I changed it to protect his identity.) Seeing Brian, to me, was a good omen that maybe, everything here would be okay.

When I signed up for History of Costume, I thought I was signing up for an easy A – boy, was I ever wrong. The teacher walked in and immediately referred to herself as Satan. Never a good sign. I also found out that I have to write a 10 page term paper on costumes from a historic movie. Oh well. I do like a challenge. And after writing a goddamn 26 page paper on trans bathroom rights issues for US Government this past spring, this is gonna be no sweat.

My last class today was Intro To Visual Arts (it’s just for a credit). This one was on the completely opposite corner of campus. I only had five minutes to get there. Needless to say, I was a little late. But the teacher is cool, and I explained my situation, and she said it was fine if I came in a few minutes after class started, that lots of students had that problem. God, college professors are such angels.

So the verdict for this day?…surprisingly okay. I’m definitely gonna have to get myself in shape for all this hiking I have to do (and maybe invest in a good pair of walking shoes), but overall, I had a pretty damn good first day.

They say girls go to college to get more knowledge. Well I’ve been in college long enough to know that the first day is always the easiest – it’s all uphill from here.

Oh well. At least my last class is next to a Taco Bell. Olé. ~TRL 🌮

4/21/17

Oooooooh, I kissed a boy tonight. Several times. ;))))))))))))

Relax, it just was for a play. XD

But seriously, my life has been going GREAT lately. The opera at my college (which I was a lead in) is finally over, yay. I got cast as Mistress Quickly in Henry V, which is a small but awesome role (not many lines to memorize, phew). Last night, I got an award from my college’s arts department as the theatre major with the highest GPA. B) Oh and also, this guy told me, “you really have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?” I don’t like him that way or anything, but still, praise is always nice.

Do you know what my mom said to me the other day? I was talking about how when I’m in a room with a lot of people, I feel awkward because I feel like people are staring at me. She said, “well, for one thing, you’re stunningly beautiful, which is unusual for a fat girl. And secondly, you’re kind of a force to be reckoned with.”

Actor. Writer. Director. Singer. Generally brilliant all around. l kinda get what she means.

Oh, boy. Now I’m getting the big head. You know what? I’ve had this inferiority complex for so goddamn long, it’s NICE to actually feel good about myself for once. I’m not gonna be ashamed of it. – TRL

Year In Review: 2016

It’s no secret, 2016 has sucked massive eggs. A raging fascist pumpkin was named the next President of the United States, with Satan himself as his VP. Brexit happened. David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Muhammad Ali, Prince, Carrie Fisher, and her mother Debbie Reynolds, all passed away this year. The Pulse shooting in Orlando. The murder clowns. The death of Vine. Fucking Harambe.

And I’m sure there were other offences that I missed. It seems like mostly everyone is in agreement that 2016 was the pits.

Personally for me, this was a taxing year. I’ve never worked as hard in school as I have this past semester. The US election, as a queer woman and also as, you know, a decent, sane human being, has been so emotionally upsetting for me. There wasn’t even any Doctor Who this year to lessen the blow.

But, I’m here to talk about some good things: the Sherlock special in January. Leo finally getting his well deserved Oscar. Hamilton took off in a big, big way (and so did Lin-Manuel Miranda). Captain America: Civil War, Doctor Strange, and Deadpool all came out (and they were amazing). I got to be in a play this summer, and work on a webseries with my friends. Because I worked so hard, my grades for this semester were really good. I got a lead role in my college’s opera. A really hard to please teacher gave me her approval.

So yes, 2016 was really fucking bad. But I like to think it was made to challenge us, and here we are, still here. We rose to the occasion. So let’s breathe easy these last three weeks, and use the holidays as a time to recooperate, and thank the higher power that this awful year is over.

Besides, Johnlock is going to be canon in January of 2017, so that’s at least something to live for.

Thanks for reading, commenting, and sticking with me this year. I know this blog doesn’t reach a lot of people, but if you are reading this, just know that I’m thankful for you. Here’s to a much better 2017. ~TRL

Why All The Villains Are Gay

More than likely, you’ve watched a TV show or movie where the protagonist and their same sex opponent have…weird sexual chemistry. Maybe the villain gets up in the main guy’s personal space; maybe they make lewd innuendoes; maybe they tell the hero they were meant to be together or something. Sounds romantic, almost, in a really twisted way.

I’ve been thinking about this lately, about why a lot of villains are Ambiguously Gay, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not a matter of homophobia (necessarily). Let me explain. On my blog post about Hannigram, I talked a bit about enemyslash, and why I thought Bryan Fuller chose to inject his series with an overdose of homoerotic subtext (if it can even be called subtext anymore). I mentioned that it was Hannibal’s intention to seduce Will to the dark side. Emphasis on the word seduce. In a similar fashion, Passion Of The Nerd covered the lesbian subtext between Buffy Summers and Faith Lehane in Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Faith represents Buffy’s shadow self, Slayer power left unchecked. If Faith is symbolic of temptation to act out of selfish wants instead of duty and the desire to do good, it would make sense, then, that Faith would be…tempting.

Often times in film and television, the main character’s archnemesis reflects them, is their dark half, like Iago in Shakespeare’s Othello. A classic archetype for this equation is Professor Moriarty from Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes adventures. Both Holmes and Moriarty are geniuses, but whereas Holmes uses his wits to defeat crime and do good, Moriarty employs his in committing the crimes. Which is why BBC Sherlock, a slow burn gay romance between the famous consulting detective and his army doctor life mate, has produced one of the most overtly homosexual Moriartys in Holmes canon history (thank you, Moffat and Gatiss).

Usually, the dark mirror half can recognize themself in the light mirror half, and wants to combine their forces to be even stronger. Thus, the villain must seduce the protagonist to the dark side. To better mirror the two characters, they’re often made the same gender (since, you know, men and women can’t be equals, right?), so when you produce Doctor Evilman trying to coax Goodguy Heromale to the dark side, ho yay is bound to follow.

Course, I could be completely wrong and it could all be a plot for the viewing public to associate queerness with being evil, but I like to think positively, you know? ~TRL

Feminism in Media (Ghostbusters Edition)

Once again I’ve gotten into an argument over the new Ghostbusters film coming out, this time with my mother. She doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal to me that there’s a movie with four semi-diverse women as the heroes. When I pointed out to her [note here that I love 1984’s Ghostbusters; it’s one of my favorite movies of all time] the sexist flaws of the original (the date rape implications about Pete and Dana and the thorazine, yeesh), and some other classic movies besides, we broke out into a full fledged fight.

See, my mother, like most of the Baby Boomers and Generation X don’t get why we, the millennials, fight so hard to change our society. They don’t see the systemic sexism/racism/exclusion of minorities in mainstream media because they’ve been conditioned by it for so long, and they just don’t care. My mother doesn’t see the flaw in only having only two semi-large female roles in a major motion picture, especially when their characterizations boil down to “generic love interest/damsel in distress” (sorry, Sigourney) and “generic, monotone, vaguely Jewish, dowdy secretary” (which is stupid because Annie Potts is beautiful; she could have gone ‘busting instead of sending out that loser Louis Tully). I don’t think the makers of the original film were trying to be malicious towards women, but it’s 2016. The time for reform in media over the representation of women has come.

The world has enough Snow Whites, Bella Swans, and Anastasia Steeles. It needs more Princess Leias, Ripleys, Buffy Summerses, or hell, even Sarahs from Labyrinth. Strong, independent women. I don’t see why women have been simplified to just objects in the media. We have hands and minds and voices – we should be allowed to be shown using them! Women did not come from a man’s ribs: men came from women’s wombs. I’m so glad I live in an age where people are just beginning to see that.

*sips from a wine glass filled with the male tears over the Ghostbusters remake*