Last weekend, I had this huge fight with my mother again. It was over the usual stuff: politics. She’s waaaaay more Conservative than I am, and no matter how much we try to avoid talking about that stuff, it always comes to verbal blows. Anyway, it’s never pleasant fighting with her, but we always manage to make nice. But last week…she said something that I haven’t been able to let just roll off my back.
She told me that she didn’t want to see me anymore.
If you’ve ever had a parent, or a child, tell you that they don’t want to see you again, you know how much that hurts. If you haven’t, well…it hurts a lot. Because friendships, romantic relationships, they come and go. But the bond between parent and child…that’s just something you can’t break that easily. It’s an indelible part of you. Your parent is supposed to be the one that always, always loves you, no matter what, and when they throw you away…the pain is indescribable.
I love my mom, even though I don’t always agree with her. And I would never say anything like that to her, no matter how angry I got with her.
I don’t think I’ve ever been hurt like this before. Not when my first dog died, not when my father died, not when my first love dumped me…nothing.
I know it seems like not that big a deal because people sometimes say things when they’re angry that they don’t mean, but it just hurt me so bad. And my mom’s always been my emotional support. But when I’m not even speaking to my emotional support…I just feel so alone.
Yeah, so I’m not speaking to my mother right now, really. She just stopped by to drop off some stuff and it was…harsh. I even had to miss my nephew’s fourth birthday party just to avoid her.
It just…it really hurts. And I wish I could just forget about it, but I don’t know if I can. ~TRL