Book Review: “Killing Time”

Whaaat? Now I’m doing book reviews? Well, this is a special case. You see, this is a Star Trek novel, and if you’re a Spirk shipper, an absolute must read.

(**Spoilers ahead.**)

Killing Time is a short novel by Della Van Hise, originally published in 1985. When Pocket Books first put it out, apparently it was so gay that Paramount Pictures requested that the slashier parts be taken out. That didn’t end up happening due to a screw-up in editing, and the book was published as is. At least, until Gene Roddenberry read it and made the publisher recall it. PB had to put out a new, less gay version of the story.

I’m pretty sure the version I read was the censored edition, but even then, it’s still really gay. Let me show you what I mean.

To summarize, KT is about Kirk having strange dreams about being an ensign on a starship in an alternate universe, serving under Captain Spock. It turns out that Spock and several other members of the Enterprise, including one Jerry Richardson, are having similar dreams.

However, the dream soon becomes reality, and the Enterprise has been replaced with the starship Shi’Khar. No one remembers the other reality. In the new reality, the Federation was created not by mankind, but by the Vulcans. Kirk was wrongly accused of murder and offered a station on the starship as an alternative to prison. In addition, he’s also got PTSD connected with some disciplinary mental torture device they used on him in order to get a confession out of him, and his cabinmate keeps beating the shit out of him. This universe is not nice to our Jimmy. ūüėĘ

It’s soon established that the Romulans have a device they’ve used to pervert history so that humanity never formed the Federation. The leader of the Romulans, who happens to be a character we’ve met before – Thea, from “The Enterprise Incident” – is behind it all, wanting revenge on Spock for spurning and humiliating her. A big part of her plot is separating him from Kirk, since she knows they’re totally t’hy’la, so she can claim Spock as her consort.

Luckily, it doesn’t work, and Kirk, Spock, and Richardson finally realize the Romulans have changed history. They all work together to fix it, knowing that they and their reality will disappear if they set time right again. The three sacrifice their lives to undo the history-change, and Kirk wakes up in the right reality, once again Captain of the Enterprise, with Spock as his right hand man, with the other reality remembered vaguely as a bad dream.

This book is a Kirk/Spock goldmine. For one thing, it is established very clearly that Kirk and Spock are t’hy’la (duh), and they have a mental bond! (In Vulcan culture, mental bonds are developed between married couple. Hmmm…)

The first few chapters talk a lot about the close, personal “friendship” between Spock and Kirk, and they are very tender with each other. There’s even a part where Spock lays his hand on Kirk’s shoulder and Kirk covers it with his own (gee, good thing Vulcans don’t kiss with their hands or anything…oh, wait). Also, Spock muses several times on Kirk’s looks: “firm features, tanned flesh, expressive hazel eyes, and a compelling human grin. Single lock of gold-bronze hair falling to the middle of a high forehead.” Geez, Spock, we all know Kirk is a dreamboat, but come on.

Even when time is changed and they don’t know each other, Spock and Kirk yearn for each other’s company. Kirk wakes up from a bad dream and immediately calls out for Spock; Spock has a vision of Kirk and wonders possibly if this is his t’hy’la. You know…the Vulcan equivalent of soulmate.

Not to mention, due to the time corruption, Spock goes into pon farr (because no Spirk fic is complete without the ritual Vulcan mating frenzy!), and he dreams longingly about Kirk! (Unfortunately he ends up banging the Romulan chick out of desperation. She kind of takes advantage of his needy state. It’s a little on the squickish side.)

But the homoerotic subtext doesn’t end with the space husbands! There’s also some flirting between Kirk and Richardson, who calls Kirk “Juliet”. When Richardson dies, Kirk sadly calls him “Romeo”. I am not making this up. Also, there’s a romance between Richardson and this alien chick who works on the Enterprise/Shi’Khar named S’Parva, and they perfectly parallel Kirk and Spock!!!!

Toward the end after they’ve saved the universe, Spock is dying from a poison bullet wound, and the second reality is collapsing. And Kirk and Spock decide to die holding each other????? While melding their minds one last time????????? What kind of old-couple-cuddling-each-other-as-the-Titantic-is-sinking romantic tripe is this?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Here are some lines that made me fangirl squee with joy:

Surely, he told himself, there would be someone with whom the Vulcan could bond, someone who could walk the path with him, balance him, love him. For a long time, Kirk considered that. (just platonically pondering whether or not your bro will have a life partner)

…when he opened his eyes again, it was to see Spock still standing, looking down at him questioningly. There was concern–and possibly Vulcan worry–written in the black eyes. Kirk held the penetrating gaze for a moment, then managed a smile when he saw the Vulcan soften. (And then he drags Spock off to the ship’s garden for a date I MEAN manly stroll.)

Absently, he reached out to touch the human’s cheek for confirmation, but stopped when Kirk’s eyes widened fearfully. (So Captain Spock notices a bruise on Kirk’s cheek and just casually reaches out to caress his face. #JustBroThings)

For an illogical moment, he found himself thinking of the future–with Kirk at his side. . . (THIS SPOCK BARELY KNOWS THIS KIRK AND HE WANTS TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH HIM WHAT THE HELL)

The images whisper-walked through his mind. Blue and gold. Warmth and companionship. Stolen moments when the firm Vulcan mask did not have to fit so tightly. (I’M ABOUT TO EXPLODE I SWEAR TO SURAK)

He glanced up, meeting the Vulcan’s eyes. Somehow, shirtless, and with hair slightly dishelved, the Shi’Kahr’s legendary captain seemed almost vulnerable in the dim lighting… almost reachable. (Kirk checkin’ out Spock’s hot Vulcan bod, hell yeah.)

“Kidnap James Kirk, keep him from the Vulcan long enough … and Spock will do anything in his power to get him back safely, Sarela.” (Damn, Thea knows EXACTLY what Spock’s weak spot is.)

…what is dearest to him in all the combined universes… (This is what Kirk is to Spock, according to Thea. I MEAN)

Spock knew he must be there when his companion awakened… (So Kirk and this other crew member were in danger and Spock only had time to save one of them, and of course he picked his darling Kirky! Now Kirk is knocked out in sick bay, and Spock is longing to be at his bedside, calling Kirk his companion. Again, HE BARELY KNOWS KIRK.)

In seven years as command of the Shi’Kahr, he had never met a human who could arouse such forbidden feelings, who could wrestle emotion from him as easily as turning on the light. (*me, screaming* Also, they’re sexy anger-wrestling right now.)

“I need you. The Empire needs you. . . . What more can there be?” “James Kirk,” the Vulcan murmured without hesitation. (Lady, you just got REJECTED.)

“Can he be worth what you are doing, Spock? Can any one man be worth an entire universe?” The Vulcan’s response was direct and without hesitation. “Yes.” (JIM IS WORTH THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO SPOCK I CAN’T)

Kirk smiled wistfully, then reached out to touch the Vulcan’s arm reassuringly as he remembered the mind-fever he’d felt himself. Without explanation, it had vanished … and as he glanced at Thea, the reason became clearer. “As long as you’re alive,” he said quietly, absently projecting a warmth into his companion’s mind. (Kirk is “wistful” that Spock had sex with Thea. That’s not something I made up.)

He is even deeper in your blood than Vulcan. It was, he realized, a very simple truth. (*more screaming*

“Perhaps it would be wise to discuss the matter in more detail later this evening,” he suggested. “Since we are both due on the bridge …” He let the sentence trail off, unfinished. (DID SPOCK JUST INVITE KIRK TO HAVE SEXY TIME LATER??????)

In the Vulcan’s quarters, Kirk sat slowly on the ornate meditation pillows (OH YEAH THEY DEFINITELY DID THE NASTY)

Remembering an ancient human proverb, he found some small comfort in the knowledge that Kirk was obviously laughing to keep from crying. (Again, they’re talking about Spock hooking up with Thea and Jim has laugh to keep from crying???????)

This novel is so perfect. ~TRL

On fair Vulcan where we lay our scene…

IMG_0468.JPEG

One of Star Trek’s most famous episodes is “Amok Time”, in which seemingly unemotional science officer Spock undergoes pon farr, a biological mating ritual that Vulcans go through every 7 years. But while the plot focuses on Spock’s marriage to fellow Vulcan T’Pring, I say that “Amok Time” is actually a retelling of Romeo And Juliet. But the love story isn’t between Spock and T’Pring. It’s between Spock and Captain Kirk.

First, let’s establish some roles. You may think that, since Spock is the one engaged to a person he’s not in love with, he’s the Juliet of this scenario. But I think, actually, Jim is Juliet and Spock is Romeo in this case.

So, the story. R+J begins with Romeo pining for a girl named Rosalind. Similarly, Spock is longing for T’Pring so he can mate with her. Rosalind has spurned Romeo, just as T’Pring ends up spurning Spock for Stonn.¬†It’s important to note that in R+J, Romeo’s feelings for Rosalind are presented more as lust than love. Spock barely knows T’Pring; their bond is solely physiological, not mental or emotional. But Juliet makes Romeo forget all about Rosalind…

…and this time, it really is¬†true love.

(Spock is so overjoyed when he sees Jim alive in this scene, he literally twirls him around.)

(And I know that R and J’s romance is emblematic of adolescent idiotic love,¬†but make no mistake, they are soulmates. “Star-crossed” means doomed – doomed to fall in love, and doomed to be destroyed. The forces of the universe literally pushed them together. And according to Gene Roddenberry’s novelization of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Jim is Spock’s t’hy’la, a Vulcan word for “friend, brother, and/or lover” – ¬†it’s¬†basically the Vulcan equivalent of soulmate. So, yes, Jim is Spock’s soulmate.)

Meanwhile, Jim is forced to choose between his orders, or saving Spock’s life, much like Juliet’s loyalties are torn between her duty to her family and her true love. There’s even mentioned that T’Pau turned down¬†a seat on the Federation Council, so while it’s not exactly like Spock’s clan and Starfleet are feuding, they are, respectively,¬†the Montagues and Capulets of the story. And like Juliet, Jim ultimately choses love over duty.

Spock, like Romeo, is forced into a fight that he doesn’t want to be in (except it’s with “Juliet” and not Tybalt). And Jim, like Juliet, ends up faking his own suicide by taking a drug¬†given to him by a trusted friend to solve the problem. Romeo and Spock are both despondent at their¬†beloveds’ deaths. Romeo kills himself and Spock is prepared to hand himself over to authorities for murder (killing a commanding officer is a court martial worthy offense in Starfleet, so Spock is therefore committing suicide by cop).¬†Luckily, in this version of the story, Juliet awakens and gets to¬†stay with¬†Romeo.

Let’s talk about the fight scene. Spock is literally in a “fuck or die” scenario. In Shakespeare’s time, people commonly associated¬†death with sex. The¬†French term for¬†sexual climax¬†was even called le petit mort, or¬†“the little death”. The¬†Italian madrigal, “Baci, soavi e cari” by Claudio Monteverdi,¬†is basically about a person saying the kisses¬†of the person they love make them feel like¬†they’re going to die (read: have an orgasm).¬†This pops up in Shakespeare’s works frequently as well. In R+J, the two young lovers¬†perish after consummating their marriage. Jim “dies” during his fight with Spock. Remember, Spock had to have sex to survive pon farr, but he never actually got laid…or did he? Some moments¬†in that fight scene sure look homoerotic…¬†x

Maybe he got laid after all.¬†ūüėČ -TRL

Is Making Sulu Gay Homophobic?

image1

GAYS: THE FINAL FRONTIER!

Last year, the third installment of the Star Trek reboot series, Star Trek Beyond, raised a big stink because writer Simon Pegg decided to make Helmsman Hikaru Sulu canonically gay, with a husband and a daughter. People objected to making Sulu gay because they felt it was homophobic to make a character gay just because his original actor, George Takei, is also gay.

I would like to say that, personally, I have no problem with Sulu being gay whatsoever, obviously. Representation is important, especially in such a universal cultural phenomenon like Star Trek. Maybe Pegg just wanted to sexually diversify the crew of the Enterprise and Sulu was the logical choice.

(Later edit): However, I’ve read that George Takei disapproves of the development, so…

But going back to logicalness…if he wanted to make someone on the¬†Enterprise gay,¬†there was a certain pointy eared science officer he could have chosen instead…

Image result for spock

I am just saying, the whole “I must suppress my human emotions” thing is totally a euphemism for staying in the closet. (Let him¬†marry¬†Kirk already. It’s been fifty years. It’s time.) -TRL

Sherlock vs. Hannibal

hannigram-and-johnlock

**Spoilers ahead for Hannibal, as well as Sherlock.**

Hey, guys! You know that show about solving crimes where the two male leads are really gay for each other and they have a cop friend who is so done with everything and there’s an iconic scene about falling off of high stuff and all the seasons end on huge cliffhangers and the last episode kind of ends abruptly but left the internet in an uproar?

So to heal from my extreme disappointment of the last season of BBC Sherlock, I’ve been delving into NBC Hannibal to cope. It’s not the best substitute because while it is a mystery thriller revolving around the Very Heterosexual Friendship of two men, Johnlock is about two broken men who are best friends and heal each other, while Hannigram is, as I’ve mentioned before, about a psychopathic cannibal preying on the fragile sanity of an already unstable criminal profiler to turn him into a killer like himself – not exactly the poster child for a healthy relationship.

But you know what’s not a unhealthy relationship? Hannibal creator Bryan Fuller and his Fannibals. Unlike certain showrunners I could name, Fuller actually owns up to the homoerotic subtext he purposely puts into his show – and never shames or ridicules fans for shipping Will and Hannibal. Hell, he does it for us!

Image result for bryan fuller hannigram tweets

Image result for bryan fuller hannigram tweets

Image result for bryan fuller hannigram tweets

Yeah, it’s really great. Especially opposed to –

Image result for mark gatiss johnlock tweet

Like, REALLY, Mark Gatiss? REALLY? Was that comment absolutely necessary????

Sherlock is a testosterone-fueled, white-washed melodrama that started out amazing, and then got so far up its own ass it became a gross parody of itself. Its ultimate lesson is that you should forgive your abusers and that if you’re different, you don’t deserve to have love, no matter how much of yourself you’ve given for it (Mary very nearly kills Sherlock and John welcomes her back with open arms and Sherlock’s evil sister Eurus gets a hug from him even though she murdered his childhood best friend and almost does the same to John; meanwhile, Mary dies and John nearly beats to Sherlock to death even though it’s not his fault at all). Hannibal is a gorgeous piece of art that unapologetically paints a destructive love story in all its twisted beauty.

So yeah, Hannibal and its creators are the best. I highly recommend it.

Johnlock Fan Fics Masterpost

This is a list of fics (by me) about Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. The not shitty ones, anyway. (They’re arranged by¬†adaptation and date published.)

Victorian/ACD canon

The Detective’s Wish – T, 600 words. After having sex, Holmes tells Watson his dearest desire. Victorian attitudes, snuggling, and Watson being a romantic sap.

A Great Heart, As Well As Of A Great Brain – NC17, 2600 words. Takes place after the canon story, “The Adventure of the Three Garridebs”. Holmes was so afraid he’d lost his Boswell, and shows¬†Watson how glad he was that the doctor’s bullet wound was merely superficial. Hurt/comfort, domestic fluff, and fellatio.

The Case Of The Bohemian Bachelor – T, 1600 words.¬†Watson ponders why there are no women in Holmes’ life. He eventually figures it out.

Good Morning, John – G, 200 words. It is a cold January morning, but luckily Holmes has Watson to keep him warm. Snuggling!

The Thoroughly Imbecilic Scotland Yard – G, 404 words. Lestrade has no idea what’s going¬†on. And he probably doesn’t want to. Oblivious!Lestrade, Holmes’s utterly bitable skin,¬†and Watson being a trashcan as usual.

BBC Sherlock

Sanctuary – G, 900 words. John goes to the library for some peace and quiet and comes into contact with a very interesting librarian. Pre-slash, alternate meeting.

Time Of My Life – NC17; 8 chapters, 30k words. While¬†spending a summer¬†at¬†a camp with his alcoholic sister,¬†John Watson falls for a beautiful dance instructor.¬†A fusion with the movie¬†Dirty Dancing (don’t worry, John and Sherlock are in their 20s, no underage).

Five Endearments John Watson Calls Sherlock Holmes And The One Sherlock Calls Him РT, 700 words. 5+1, pet names, fluff, domestic.

The Guy In 221B – T, 4k words. John’s upstairs neighbor plays the¬†violin. Sherlock’s downstairs neighbor has a gorgeous singing voice. Together, they make beautiful music. But will they ever meet face to face? Alternate meeting, Sherlock being adorably shy, classic rock, flirting, and eventually making out in the laundry room.

Scarred – T, 18oo words.¬†John catches Sherlock with his shirt off one day and finally learns about what happened to the detective in Serbia. Sherlock’s scars, John’s bullet wound, hurt/comfort, and Sherlock confessing his love. Plus sonnet 116.

Sweet Caroline – T, 6600 words. Someone is killing engaged couples in London, and Sherlock and John have to pose as fianc√©s to each other to catch the culprit. Based on ACD’s “The Solitary Cyclist”.¬†Fake relationship that culminates in a real love confession.

Curiouser And Curiouser (And Definitely Not Boring) РT, 1200 words. A brief fusion of BBC Sherlock and Alice In Wonderland.

The Greatest Of These – NC17, 5k words. A “Reichenbach Fall” fix-it. After seven weeks of being “dead”, Sherlock comes back to John. A teary reunion, love confession, and sex.

On The Edge РNC17, 1034 words. Porn without plot. John and Sherlock having kinky (consensual) sex. Handcuffs, edging, spanking, soft dominant John.

Oh, I Think That I Found Myself A Cheerleader – NC17, 1050 words. Porn without plot. Sherlock in a cheerleader costume and ladies’ underwear having sex with¬†John. Teenage AU (NOT underage; they’re both 18).

Sweet – NC17, 520 words. John gives Sherlock a cute nickname (and morning head).

Dare Not Speak Its Name (series) РM, 6 works, ~5000 words. A series of six stories about John and Sherlock pining for each other and eventually getting together spanning over the events of series 3 and afterward (not series 4 compliant). The missing gay bar scene from stag night, Harry Watson, villain Mary, Moriarty, and a happy ending.

The Closest Thing To A Friend – G, 1000 words. An alternate way “The Great Game” could’ve gone. In short, Sherlock is shocked to learn that John has been the mysterious Moriarty all along. Crack treated seriously.

The Singing Detective – M, 11 chapters, ~22k words. Based on ACD’s “The Dying Detective”. John¬†is¬†a¬†new father and unhappy in his marriage while secretly pining for Sherlock. Meanwhile,¬†Culverton Smith has drugged London’s tea supply, and now people are randomly bursting into musical numbers. That’s right – it’s a Sherlock musical. (Villain Mary, Parentlock, background Lestrade/Molly, and a happy ending for everyone…except Mary.)

He’s All That – T, 9 chapters, ~15k words. When¬†John Watson,¬†captain of the rugby team and¬†most popular guy in school, gets dumped by his¬†longtime girlfriend Mary, he¬†makes a bet that he can get Sherlock Holmes, ballet nerd and¬†most unpopular boy in school, elected as prom royalty in her place. But there’s a catch – John didn’t expect to fall in love with him. A fusion with the 1999 teen romcom She’s All That.

Shower For One РNC17, 1700 words. Porn without plot. Sherlock has a fantasy about John in the shower, but sometimes fantasies can become realities. Sherlock wanking and John being a total sex god.

Dopplegangland – NC17, 5 chapters, 8500 words. While on vacation in Scotland, Sherlock meets a very flirtatious photographer who looks exactly like his flatmate and¬†best friend who he’s secretly in love with. John, who is also secretly in love with Sherlock, is not amused. Crossover with Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (and Cabin Pressure!). Dopplegangers, jealous John, wonderfully trashy Iain MacKelpie being a shameless flirt with Sherlock, and John and Sherlock finally quit being idiots and just confess their feelings already. Oh, and sex. Lots of sex.

Angel Of The Battlefield (series) РNC17, 4 works, 7307 words. A series about soldier John Watson, who was killed in battle, then rescued from Hell by a beautiful angel named Sherlock (Destiel, anyone?). Mostly just porn, though.

At The Mercy Of The Gods’ Design – M, ~3000 words. The goddess of love, Irene,¬†holds a grudge against the son of the queen, Sherlock.¬†So she casts a love¬†spell on the queen’s young consort,¬†John, Sherlock’s¬†friend and stepfather.¬†A Johnlock retelling of Phaedra and Hippolytus. No incest or pedophilia or anything squicky, and a happy ending.

“military men making love” – NC17, 2000 words. Sherlock finds John Watson and James Sholto’s sex tape. John finds Sherlock wanking to it. SHERLOCK’S MILITARY KINK.

Human – G, 343 words. John holding Sherlock while he’s asleep and admiring how beautiful he is.

My Hero – T, 2500 words. Sherlock is nursing a huge crush on his mild-mannered¬†flatmate. Meanwhile, the local superhero seems mighty infatuated¬†with Sherlock. Too bad John won’t show interest like that. Super!John and Sherlock being sweet and wonderful.

Chain of Command – NC17, 2574 words. Sherlock/John/James Sholto. Sherlock has a naughty dream about John and his ex-lover James. Polyamory, light BDSM, submissive Sherlock.

In Sickness And In Health – T, 1300 words. It’s Sherlock and John’s wedding day. But of course, disaster strikes. (John gets into an auto accident on the way to the chapel and he and Sherlock just get¬†married right there in the hospital room.)

It’s A Love Story, Baby, Just Say Yes – T, 2319 words. Sherlock and John were best friends as children, and had a favorite game where Sherlock was a damsel in distress and John was the knight in shining armor. But they drift apart and when Sherlock is all grown up, he realizes he’d quite like to be kissed by the handsome knight. Slight song fic, slight 5+1. Kidlock, Teenlock, puppy love, bullies (not John), happy ending. NO underage.

Duck – T,¬†12 chapters,¬†2722 words. Taking place after “The Six Thatchers”. Sherlock suddenly¬†has a boyfriend, John refuses to talk about anything, and Mary isn’t such a martyr after all. Not series 4 compliant but sure as hell better than TFP.

Mirror Mirror РG, 1138 words. John introduces Sherlock to Star Trek: The Original Series, and Sherlock points out some awkward parallels to themselves, and Kirk and Spock. Who are obviously in love with each other, according to Sherlock. Johnlock and Spirk in one fic, a bit meta. Crack.

The End – T, 300 words. In which the events of “The Final Problem” were all a dream. In fact, the whole show after “A Study In Pink: Gay Pilot Edition” was a dream. If you hate series 4/TFP as much as I did, you might like this salty little ficlet. My last BBC Sherlock fic ever.

Bonus

The One Fixed Point РT, 1300 words. Holmes and Watson are soulmates, no matter the universe. (Multiple iterations of Holmes and Watson, including BBC Sherlock, Elementary, the Guy Ritchie films, and even The Great Mouse Detective.)

The Greatest Love Story Never Told

Once upon a time there was a person named Bob who had a crippling case of PTSD and depression, almost to a suicidal point. Bob was wallowing in a pit of his own hopelessness and despair, with absolutely nothing to motivate him to continue living.

Until he met Susan.

Susan was a brilliant, attractive, somewhat eccentric individual who was a fairly solitary person and had never had friends because she was so odd, which caused her to put up defenses and appear to the world as cold and unfeeling, when in fact she was bursting with love and kindness, but with nowhere to channel it. But fate brought Bob and Susan together, and something immediately clicked.

Susan brought Bob into her world where they went on amazing adventures, and suddenly Bob rediscovered his lost vivacity and interest in life. He was dazzled by Susan and her brilliance, and became completely devoted to her, even going so far as murdering a man who tried to kill her on their first adventure together. And for the very first time in her life, Susan felt truly connected to another human being. For once, someone didn’t see her as a freak. Bob showed her kindness.¬†Bob was¬†her friend.

Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, their bond got them through everything. They were incredibly loyal to each other, giving everything to keep the other safe and happy, even if it meant jeopardizing their own wellbeing.

At one point, Susan crossed paths with an alluring man named Frederic, whom Bob assumed she was in love with. For some reason, this made him angry and upset to no end. Susan, however, was never interested in Frederic in the slightest. Meanwhile, Susan was openly scathing about Bob’s string of girlfriends (who Bob didn’t even seem that interested in). Eventually, Bob just stopped dating altogether so he could devote all his time to Susan and their work. For some reason.

Then, disaster struck. Susan died.

Bob was destroyed. Crushed. Heartbroken. For two years, he mourned her death, utterly destroyed. The once shining light of his life had been cruelly extinguished and Bob was once again lost and without hope.

Eventually, Bob had to carry on. He met a seemingly nice woman named Gertrude and they became engaged.

Then, inexplicably, Susan returned. Not dead after all.

Bob was furious with her. He felt so betrayed by Susan that she’d left him to grieve all these years, and Susan seemingly didn’t seem to care.

Oh, but Susan did. Unbeknownst to Bob, Susan had had to sacrifice herself to save¬†Bob’s life¬†(and¬†those of a¬†couple others). Susan had been suffering torture, starvation, illness, exhaustion, and isolation all these long months to ensure Bob’s safety, so that she could return to him and they could live in peace.

But Susan never told Bob the truth. Instead, she allowed him to rage at and hurt her, feeling that she deserved his wrath. She had hurt him first, after all. But eventually, Bob forgave her, and their friendship resumed. But now, there was a new element: Gertrude.

Susan was overwhelmingly supportive of Bob and Gertrude’s relationship, and even threw herself into¬†planning their wedding. But for some reason, she seemed terribly sad by the aspect of her dear friend getting married, and left the festivities early, and alone.

A month passed and Bob hadn’t seen Susan since the wedding. But he was still thinking of her. As he laid in bed beside his new bride, he was dreaming longingly of Susan and their life together. And Bob and Gertrude weren’t getting along very well.

And Bob wasn’t the only one pining. As it turned out, Susan had returned to her past drug addiction after her best friend had gotten married. One could wonder if there was correlation between the two.

Destiny would have these two friends reunite yet again, to take down a villain who reveled in using people’s secrets against them. Susan went to the lair of this vile man to confront him and bring him to justice. But someone had beat her to the punch, to enact their own vengeance.

It was none other that Bob’s doting new wife, Gertrude. Seemed she wasn’t so sweet after all.

Susan, wanting Bob to be happy, offered to help Gertrude. But Gertrude, not wanting her true nature to be discovered by her husband, shot Susan in the chest and fled.

Susan was dying. She did die, for a full minute. The doctors left her on the operating table, as there was nothing more that they could do. But in Susan’s rapidly dimming mind, one single thought brought her back from the brink.

Bob is definitely in danger.

Susan mentally forced her heart to restart, the drive to protect the most precious person in the world to her enough to revive her. It should have been impossible.

In the end, Bob discovered Gertrude’s true nature. At first, he despised her for her wickedness in attempting to murder his friend. But, alas, she was pregnant with his child, so he stayed with her.

The vile man from before was threatening Bob and Gertrude. Susan couldn’t let her friend’s life be ruined. Not again. And so…she murdered the wicked man in cold blood.

Susan was to be sent away, it was decided, as punishment. Susan knew she wouldn’t be coming back.¬†As she made her goodbyes to her dearest friend, she said, “Bob…there’s something…I wanted to say. That I’ve meant to say always but never have. And since it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet again, I might as well say it now.”

But she couldn’t. She couldn’t tell Bob the truth of her heart, only to break his by leaving him. So she didn’t say it.

Anyone can see that what Susan was going to say to Bob was “I love you”. That Susan and Bob were always in love from the very beginning. It was always a love story. But suddenly you replace “Susan” and “Bob” with two men named “Sherlock Holmes” and “John Watson”, and it’s just a friendship story. A friendship story with an inordinate¬†amount of gay jokes.

I am so incredibly angry with you, BBC. ~TRL

Why All The Villains Are Gay

More than likely, you’ve watched a TV show or movie where the protagonist and their same sex¬†opponent have…weird sexual chemistry. Maybe the villain gets up in the main guy’s personal space; maybe they make lewd innuendoes; maybe they tell the hero they were meant to be together or something. Sounds romantic, almost, in a really twisted way.

I’ve been thinking about this lately, about why a lot of villains are Ambiguously Gay, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not a matter of homophobia (necessarily). Let me explain. On my blog post about Hannigram, I talked a bit about enemyslash, and why I thought Bryan Fuller chose to inject his series¬†with an overdose of homoerotic subtext (if it can even be called subtext anymore). I mentioned that it was Hannibal’s intention to seduce Will to the dark side. Emphasis on the word seduce. In a similar fashion, Passion Of The Nerd covered the lesbian subtext between Buffy Summers and Faith Lehane in Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Faith represents Buffy’s shadow self, Slayer power left unchecked. If Faith is symbolic of temptation to act out of selfish wants instead of duty and the desire to do good, it would make sense, then, that Faith would be…tempting.

Often times in film and television, the main character’s archnemesis reflects them, is their dark half, like Iago in Shakespeare’s Othello.¬†A classic archetype for this equation is Professor Moriarty from Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes adventures. Both Holmes and Moriarty are geniuses, but whereas Holmes uses his wits to defeat crime and do good, Moriarty employs his in committing the crimes. Which is why BBC Sherlock, a slow burn gay romance¬†between the famous consulting detective and his¬†army doctor life mate, has produced one of the most overtly homosexual Moriartys in Holmes canon¬†history (thank you, Moffat and Gatiss).

Usually, the dark mirror half can recognize themself in the light mirror half, and wants to combine their forces to be even stronger. Thus, the villain must seduce the protagonist to the dark side. To better mirror the two characters, they’re often made the same gender (since, you know, men and women can’t be equals, right?), so when you produce Doctor Evilman trying to coax Goodguy Heromale to the dark side, ho yay is bound to follow.

Course, I could be completely wrong and it could all be a plot for the viewing public to associate queerness with being evil, but I like to think positively, you know? ~TRL