The Greatest Love Story Never Told

Once upon a time there was a person named Bob who had a crippling case of PTSD and depression, almost to a suicidal point. Bob was wallowing in a pit of his own hopelessness and despair, with absolutely nothing to motivate him to continue living.

Until he met Susan.

Susan was a brilliant, attractive, somewhat eccentric individual who was a fairly solitary person and had never had friends because she was so odd, which caused her to put up defenses and appear to the world as cold and unfeeling, when in fact she was bursting with love and kindness, but with nowhere to channel it. But fate brought Bob and Susan together, and something immediately clicked.

Susan brought Bob into her world where they went on amazing adventures, and suddenly Bob rediscovered his lost vivacity and interest in life. He was dazzled by Susan and her brilliance, and became completely devoted to her, even going so far as murdering a man who tried to kill her on their first adventure together. And for the very first time in her life, Susan felt truly connected to another human being. For once, someone didn’t see her as a freak. Bob showed her kindness. Bob was her friend.

Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, their bond got them through everything. They were incredibly loyal to each other, giving everything to keep the other safe and happy, even if it meant jeopardizing their own wellbeing.

At one point, Susan crossed paths with an alluring man named Frederic, whom Bob assumed she was in love with. For some reason, this made him angry and upset to no end. Susan, however, was never interested in Frederic in the slightest. Meanwhile, Susan was openly scathing about Bob’s string of girlfriends (who Bob didn’t even seem that interested in). Eventually, Bob just stopped dating altogether so he could devote all his time to Susan and their work. For some reason.

Then, disaster struck. Susan died.

Bob was destroyed. Crushed. Heartbroken. For two years, he mourned her death, utterly destroyed. The once shining light of his life had been cruelly extinguished and Bob was once again lost and without hope.

Eventually, Bob had to carry on. He met a seemingly nice woman named Gertrude and they became engaged.

Then, inexplicably, Susan returned. Not dead after all.

Bob was furious with her. He felt so betrayed by Susan that she’d left him to grieve all these years, and Susan seemingly didn’t seem to care.

Oh, but Susan did. Unbeknownst to Bob, Susan had had to sacrifice herself to save Bob’s life (and those of a couple others). Susan had been suffering torture, starvation, illness, exhaustion, and isolation all these long months to ensure Bob’s safety, so that she could return to him and they could live in peace.

But Susan never told Bob the truth. Instead, she allowed him to rage at and hurt her, feeling that she deserved his wrath. She had hurt him first, after all. But eventually, Bob forgave her, and their friendship resumed. But now, there was a new element: Gertrude.

Susan was overwhelmingly supportive of Bob and Gertrude’s relationship, and even threw herself into planning their wedding. But for some reason, she seemed terribly sad by the aspect of her dear friend getting married, and left the festivities early, and alone.

A month passed and Bob hadn’t seen Susan since the wedding. But he was still thinking of her. As he laid in bed beside his new bride, he was dreaming longingly of Susan and their life together. And Bob and Gertrude weren’t getting along very well.

And Bob wasn’t the only one pining. As it turned out, Susan had returned to her past drug addiction after her best friend had gotten married. One could wonder if there was correlation between the two.

Destiny would have these two friends reunite yet again, to take down a villain who reveled in using people’s secrets against them. Susan went to the lair of this vile man to confront him and bring him to justice. But someone had beat her to the punch, to enact their own vengeance.

It was none other that Bob’s doting new wife, Gertrude. Seemed she wasn’t so sweet after all.

Susan, wanting Bob to be happy, offered to help Gertrude. But Gertrude, not wanting her true nature to be discovered by her husband, shot Susan in the chest and fled.

Susan was dying. She did die, for a full minute. The doctors left her on the operating table, as there was nothing more that they could do. But in Susan’s rapidly dimming mind, one single thought brought her back from the brink.

Bob is definitely in danger.

Susan mentally forced her heart to restart, the drive to protect the most precious person in the world to her enough to revive her. It should have been impossible.

In the end, Bob discovered Gertrude’s true nature. At first, he despised her for her wickedness in attempting to murder his friend. But, alas, she was pregnant with his child, so he stayed with her.

The vile man from before was threatening Bob and Gertrude. Susan couldn’t let her friend’s life be ruined. Not again. And so…she murdered the wicked man in cold blood.

Susan was to be sent away, it was decided, as punishment. Susan knew she wouldn’t be coming back. As she made her goodbyes to her dearest friend, she said, “Bob…there’s something…I wanted to say. That I’ve meant to say always but never have. And since it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet again, I might as well say it now.”

But she couldn’t. She couldn’t tell Bob the truth of her heart, only to break his by leaving him. So she didn’t say it.

Anyone can see that what Susan was going to say to Bob was “I love you”. That Susan and Bob were always in love from the very beginning. It was always a love story. But suddenly you replace “Susan” and “Bob” with two men named “Sherlock Holmes” and “John Watson”, and it’s just a friendship story. A friendship story with an inordinate amount of gay jokes.

I am so incredibly angry with you, BBC. ~TRL

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