Sherlock vs. Hannibal

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**Spoilers ahead for Hannibal, as well as Sherlock.**

Hey, guys! You know that show about solving crimes where the two male leads are really gay for each other and they have a cop friend who is so done with everything and there’s an iconic scene about falling off of high stuff and all the seasons end on huge cliffhangers and the last episode kind of ends abruptly but left the internet in an uproar?

So to heal from my extreme disappointment of the last season of BBC Sherlock, I’ve been delving into NBC Hannibal to cope. It’s not the best substitute because while it is a mystery thriller revolving around the Very Heterosexual Friendship of two men, Johnlock is about two broken men who are best friends and heal each other, while Hannigram is, as I’ve mentioned before, about a psychopathic cannibal preying on the fragile sanity of an already unstable criminal profiler to turn him into a killer like himself – not exactly the poster child for a healthy relationship.

But you know what’s not a unhealthy relationship? Hannibal creator Bryan Fuller and his Fannibals. Unlike certain showrunners I could name, Fuller actually owns up to the homoerotic subtext he purposely puts into his show – and never shames or ridicules fans for shipping Will and Hannibal. Hell, he does it for us!

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Image result for bryan fuller hannigram tweets

Image result for bryan fuller hannigram tweets

Yeah, it’s really great. Especially opposed to –

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Like, REALLY, Mark Gatiss? REALLY? Was that comment absolutely necessary????

Sherlock is a testosterone-fueled, white-washed melodrama that started out amazing, and then got so far up its own ass it became a gross parody of itself. Its ultimate lesson is that you should forgive your abusers and that if you’re different, you don’t deserve to have love, no matter how much of yourself you’ve given for it (Mary very nearly kills Sherlock and John welcomes her back with open arms and Sherlock’s evil sister Eurus gets a hug from him even though she murdered his childhood best friend and almost does the same to John; meanwhile, Mary dies and John nearly beats to Sherlock to death even though it’s not his fault at all). Hannibal is a gorgeous piece of art that unapologetically paints a destructive love story in all its twisted beauty.

So yeah, Hannibal and its creators are the best. I highly recommend it.

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A Comparison Of Unfortunate Events

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**Spoiler free!**

As a child, I was a huge reader and re-reader, especially of one book serial by “Lemony Snicket” (Daniel Handler) called A Series Of Unfortunate Events. I think I have may read the whole series through even more times than I did Harry Potter. I also rewatched the 2004 film version starring Jim Carrey many times (to be fair, I didn’t own that big a collection of DVDs and VHS tapes back then and Netflix didn’t yet exist).

And speaking of Netflix, I was very excited when an actual series with the entire story, all 13 books, was announced to be aired online. I waited in anticipation for months. So when the series was posted about three weeks ago, I devoured the first eight episodes like the Lachrymose leeches did poor Ike Anwhistle (too soon?). So I thought I’d write a post comparing the 2004 Nickelodeon movie to the 2017 Netflix series.

The direction for both adaptions is somewhat Burton-esque (Helena Bonham Carter even made a brief, faceless cameo as the Baudelaires’ mother in the film). The movie is reminiscent of Edward Scissorhands in style (especially costume); the series more like Big Fish. The movie definitely took its own path, plotwise, but seeing as it was adapting a 13 short novel series (well, the first three books) into a 110 minute movie, it was really good, and earnest. Plus some of the original scenes that weren’t pulled straight from the book (like Klaus’s “this is not home” monologue) are really well written. Meanwhile, the Netflix series is pretty true to the books (except for Violet’s pink dress from “The Bad Beginning” – Violet canonically hates pink), and is a real treat for someone who’s read them over and over like I have. We actually get to delve deeper into the mythos of the secret society V.F.D. in a way the film couldn’t do, although I have to admit, part of what made the books so enticing was all the mystery and suspense behind it. The series just gives it all away up front. We even get to see Lemony Snicket’s face, whereas in the movie, all we got was a voiceover and unrevealing shots of Jude Law. I’m not saying you have to have read the books to understand or enjoy the Netflix series, but it’s clear that it was designed for fans of the source material. One thing I thought was interesting was that the series borrowed the spyglass from the movie, even though it was never in the books.

The acting in the movie is clearly superior. The child acting from the Netflix series tends to fall flat sometimes, like participants in a middle school play. Neil Patrick Harris’s Olaf is clearly a replication of Carrey’s portrayal, spliced with Barney Stinson and Doctor Horrible (maybe some Dougie Houser on the side). What I’m saying is, NPH is playing NPH playing Jim Carrey. I was delighted at the diversity in the series, however (Sir and Charles confirmed as a gay couple, finally!); it was a pleasant change from the pasty white complexion of the movie (even Cedric the Entertainer was white). I was so excited when I realized that Mr. Poe was being played by the same actor who played Mr. Trick from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. The actors playing Uncle Monty and Aunt Josephine from both adaptations, respectively, differ from their counterparts yet are delightful to watch in both cases. I found it amusing that Catherine O’Hara, who played Justice Strauss in the 2004 movie, played Dr. Orwell, the optometrist/hypnotist, in the Netflix series. But I have to say, I think the best actor in the entire series is Patrick Warburton. I’d only ever seen PW in frat bro roles like Puddy on Seinfeld or Jeff Bingham from Rules Of Engagement. But it seems like Warburton was the only (adult) actor in the series who was playing it straight the whole time. I have to admit, I always did envision Lemony Snicket with a British accent (like Jude Law’s portrayal), but Warburton’s ironic deadpan really sold me on his performance. Oh, and the genderless henchperson. I love he/she/them too.

There’s many great things to love about both the movie and the series. I thoroughly enjoy both adaptations and would highly recommend either one. The score to the movie by Thomas Newman is one of my all time favorites. And the Netflix series, since there are two fifty minute episodes for each book, explain a lot of things that the movie – and the book series itself – didn’t address. Like, why did the employees of the Lucky Smells Lumbermill stay there when all the pay they received for their work was coupons and gum? Or how did Count Olaf, a man who is clearly an enemy of the Baudelaire parents, end up with custody of their children?

However, if ever another version of A Series of Unfortunate Events is made, can we have an actually scary Olaf? He terrified me as a child, and I’m sorry, but Neil Patrick Harris is not scary. ~TRL

Johnlock Fan Fics Masterpost

This is a list of fics (by me) about Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. The not shitty ones, anyway. (They’re arranged by adaptation and date published.)

Victorian/ACD canon

The Detective’s Wish – T, 600 words. After having sex, Holmes tells Watson his dearest desire. Victorian attitudes, snuggling, and Watson being a romantic sap.

A Great Heart, As Well As Of A Great Brain – NC17, 2600 words. Takes place after the canon story, “The Adventure of the Three Garridebs”. Holmes was so afraid he’d lost his Boswell, and shows Watson how glad he was that the doctor’s bullet wound was merely superficial. Hurt/comfort, domestic fluff, and fellatio.

The Case Of The Bohemian Bachelor – T, 1600 words. Watson ponders why there are no women in Holmes’ life. He eventually figures it out.

Good Morning, John – G, 200 words. It is a cold January morning, but luckily Holmes has Watson to keep him warm. Snuggling!

The Thoroughly Imbecilic Scotland Yard – G, 404 words. Lestrade has no idea what’s going on. And he probably doesn’t want to. Oblivious!Lestrade, Holmes’s utterly bitable skin, and Watson being a trashcan as usual.

BBC Sherlock

Sanctuary – G, 900 words. John goes to the library for some peace and quiet and comes into contact with a very interesting librarian. Pre-slash, alternate meeting.

Time Of My Life – NC17; 8 chapters, 30k words. While spending a summer at a camp with his alcoholic sister, John Watson falls for a beautiful dance instructor. A fusion with the movie Dirty Dancing (don’t worry, John and Sherlock are in their 20s, no underage).

Five Endearments John Watson Calls Sherlock Holmes And The One Sherlock Calls Him – T, 700 words. 5+1, pet names, fluff, domestic.

The Guy In 221B – T, 4k words. John’s upstairs neighbor plays the violin. Sherlock’s downstairs neighbor has a gorgeous singing voice. Together, they make beautiful music. But will they ever meet face to face? Alternate meeting, Sherlock being adorably shy, classic rock, flirting, and eventually making out in the laundry room.

Scarred – T, 18oo words. John catches Sherlock with his shirt off one day and finally learns about what happened to the detective in Serbia. Sherlock’s scars, John’s bullet wound, hurt/comfort, and Sherlock confessing his love. Plus sonnet 116.

Sweet Caroline – T, 6600 words. Someone is killing engaged couples in London, and Sherlock and John have to pose as fiancés to each other to catch the culprit. Based on ACD’s “The Solitary Cyclist”. Fake relationship that culminates in a real love confession.

Curiouser And Curiouser (And Definitely Not Boring) – T, 1200 words. A brief fusion of BBC Sherlock and Alice In Wonderland.

The Greatest Of These – NC17, 5k words. A “Reichenbach Fall” fix-it. After seven weeks of being “dead”, Sherlock comes back to John. A teary reunion, love confession, and sex.

On The Edge – NC17, 1034 words. Porn without plot. John and Sherlock having kinky (consensual) sex. Handcuffs, edging, spanking, soft dominant John.

Oh, I Think That I Found Myself A Cheerleader – NC17, 1050 words. Porn without plot. Sherlock in a cheerleader costume and ladies’ underwear having sex with John. Teenage AU (NOT underage; they’re both 18).

Sweet – NC17, 520 words. John gives Sherlock a cute nickname (and morning head).

Dare Not Speak Its Name (series) – M, 6 works, ~5000 words. A series of six stories about John and Sherlock pining for each other and eventually getting together spanning over the events of series 3 and afterward (not series 4 compliant). The missing gay bar scene from stag night, Harry Watson, villain Mary, Moriarty, and a happy ending.

The Closest Thing To A Friend – G, 1000 words. An alternate way “The Great Game” could’ve gone. In short, Sherlock is shocked to learn that John has been the mysterious Moriarty all along. Crack treated seriously.

The Singing Detective – M, 11 chapters, ~22k words. Based on ACD’s “The Dying Detective”. John is a new father and unhappy in his marriage while secretly pining for Sherlock. Meanwhile, Culverton Smith has drugged London’s tea supply, and now people are randomly bursting into musical numbers. That’s right – it’s a Sherlock musical. (Villain Mary, Parentlock, background Lestrade/Molly, and a happy ending for everyone…except Mary.)

He’s All That – T, 9 chapters, ~15k words. When John Watson, captain of the rugby team and most popular guy in school, gets dumped by his longtime girlfriend Mary, he makes a bet that he can get Sherlock Holmes, ballet nerd and most unpopular boy in school, elected as prom royalty in her place. But there’s a catch – John didn’t expect to fall in love with him. A fusion with the 1999 teen romcom She’s All That.

Shower For One – NC17, 1700 words. Porn without plot. Sherlock has a fantasy about John in the shower, but sometimes fantasies can become realities. Sherlock wanking and John being a total sex god.

Dopplegangland – NC17, 5 chapters, 8500 words. While on vacation in Scotland, Sherlock meets a very flirtatious photographer who looks exactly like his flatmate and best friend who he’s secretly in love with. John, who is also secretly in love with Sherlock, is not amused. Crossover with Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (and Cabin Pressure!). Dopplegangers, jealous John, wonderfully trashy Iain MacKelpie being a shameless flirt with Sherlock, and John and Sherlock finally quit being idiots and just confess their feelings already. Oh, and sex. Lots of sex.

Angel Of The Battlefield (series) – NC17, 4 works, 7307 words. A series about soldier John Watson, who was killed in battle, then rescued from Hell by a beautiful angel named Sherlock (Destiel, anyone?). Mostly just porn, though.

At The Mercy Of The Gods’ Design – M, ~3000 words. The goddess of love, Irene, holds a grudge against the son of the queen, Sherlock. So she casts a love spell on the queen’s young consort, John, Sherlock’s friend and stepfather. A Johnlock retelling of Phaedra and Hippolytus. No incest or pedophilia or anything squicky, and a happy ending.

“military men making love” – NC17, 2000 words. Sherlock finds John Watson and James Sholto’s sex tape. John finds Sherlock wanking to it. SHERLOCK’S MILITARY KINK.

Human – G, 343 words. John holding Sherlock while he’s asleep and admiring how beautiful he is.

My Hero – T, 2500 words. Sherlock is nursing a huge crush on his mild-mannered flatmate. Meanwhile, the local superhero seems mighty infatuated with Sherlock. Too bad John won’t show interest like that. Super!John and Sherlock being sweet and wonderful.

Chain of Command – NC17, 2574 words. Sherlock/John/James Sholto. Sherlock has a naughty dream about John and his ex-lover James. Polyamory, light BDSM, submissive Sherlock.

In Sickness And In Health – T, 1300 words. It’s Sherlock and John’s wedding day. But of course, disaster strikes. (John gets into an auto accident on the way to the chapel and he and Sherlock just get married right there in the hospital room.)

It’s A Love Story, Baby, Just Say Yes – T, 2319 words. Sherlock and John were best friends as children, and had a favorite game where Sherlock was a damsel in distress and John was the knight in shining armor. But they drift apart and when Sherlock is all grown up, he realizes he’d quite like to be kissed by the handsome knight. Slight song fic, slight 5+1. Kidlock, Teenlock, puppy love, bullies (not John), happy ending. NO underage.

Duck – T, 12 chapters, 2722 words. Taking place after “The Six Thatchers”. Sherlock suddenly has a boyfriend, John refuses to talk about anything, and Mary isn’t such a martyr after all. Not series 4 compliant but sure as hell better than TFP.

Mirror Mirror – G, 1138 words. John introduces Sherlock to Star Trek: The Original Series, and Sherlock points out some awkward parallels to themselves, and Kirk and Spock. Who are obviously in love with each other, according to Sherlock. Johnlock and Spirk in one fic, a bit meta. Crack.

The End – T, 300 words. In which the events of “The Final Problem” were all a dream. In fact, the whole show after “A Study In Pink: Gay Pilot Edition” was a dream. If you hate series 4/TFP as much as I did, you might like this salty little ficlet. My last BBC Sherlock fic ever.

Bonus

The One Fixed Point – T, 1300 words. Holmes and Watson are soulmates, no matter the universe. (Multiple iterations of Holmes and Watson, including BBC Sherlock, Elementary, the Guy Ritchie films, and even The Great Mouse Detective.)

The Greatest Love Story Never Told

Once upon a time there was a person named Bob who had a crippling case of PTSD and depression, almost to a suicidal point. Bob was wallowing in a pit of his own hopelessness and despair, with absolutely nothing to motivate him to continue living.

Until he met Susan.

Susan was a brilliant, attractive, somewhat eccentric individual who was a fairly solitary person and had never had friends because she was so odd, which caused her to put up defenses and appear to the world as cold and unfeeling, when in fact she was bursting with love and kindness, but with nowhere to channel it. But fate brought Bob and Susan together, and something immediately clicked.

Susan brought Bob into her world where they went on amazing adventures, and suddenly Bob rediscovered his lost vivacity and interest in life. He was dazzled by Susan and her brilliance, and became completely devoted to her, even going so far as murdering a man who tried to kill her on their first adventure together. And for the very first time in her life, Susan felt truly connected to another human being. For once, someone didn’t see her as a freak. Bob showed her kindness. Bob was her friend.

Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, their bond got them through everything. They were incredibly loyal to each other, giving everything to keep the other safe and happy, even if it meant jeopardizing their own wellbeing.

At one point, Susan crossed paths with an alluring man named Frederic, whom Bob assumed she was in love with. For some reason, this made him angry and upset to no end. Susan, however, was never interested in Frederic in the slightest. Meanwhile, Susan was openly scathing about Bob’s string of girlfriends (who Bob didn’t even seem that interested in). Eventually, Bob just stopped dating altogether so he could devote all his time to Susan and their work. For some reason.

Then, disaster struck. Susan died.

Bob was destroyed. Crushed. Heartbroken. For two years, he mourned her death, utterly destroyed. The once shining light of his life had been cruelly extinguished and Bob was once again lost and without hope.

Eventually, Bob had to carry on. He met a seemingly nice woman named Gertrude and they became engaged.

Then, inexplicably, Susan returned. Not dead after all.

Bob was furious with her. He felt so betrayed by Susan that she’d left him to grieve all these years, and Susan seemingly didn’t seem to care.

Oh, but Susan did. Unbeknownst to Bob, Susan had had to sacrifice herself to save Bob’s life (and those of a couple others). Susan had been suffering torture, starvation, illness, exhaustion, and isolation all these long months to ensure Bob’s safety, so that she could return to him and they could live in peace.

But Susan never told Bob the truth. Instead, she allowed him to rage at and hurt her, feeling that she deserved his wrath. She had hurt him first, after all. But eventually, Bob forgave her, and their friendship resumed. But now, there was a new element: Gertrude.

Susan was overwhelmingly supportive of Bob and Gertrude’s relationship, and even threw herself into planning their wedding. But for some reason, she seemed terribly sad by the aspect of her dear friend getting married, and left the festivities early, and alone.

A month passed and Bob hadn’t seen Susan since the wedding. But he was still thinking of her. As he laid in bed beside his new bride, he was dreaming longingly of Susan and their life together. And Bob and Gertrude weren’t getting along very well.

And Bob wasn’t the only one pining. As it turned out, Susan had returned to her past drug addiction after her best friend had gotten married. One could wonder if there was correlation between the two.

Destiny would have these two friends reunite yet again, to take down a villain who reveled in using people’s secrets against them. Susan went to the lair of this vile man to confront him and bring him to justice. But someone had beat her to the punch, to enact their own vengeance.

It was none other that Bob’s doting new wife, Gertrude. Seemed she wasn’t so sweet after all.

Susan, wanting Bob to be happy, offered to help Gertrude. But Gertrude, not wanting her true nature to be discovered by her husband, shot Susan in the chest and fled.

Susan was dying. She did die, for a full minute. The doctors left her on the operating table, as there was nothing more that they could do. But in Susan’s rapidly dimming mind, one single thought brought her back from the brink.

Bob is definitely in danger.

Susan mentally forced her heart to restart, the drive to protect the most precious person in the world to her enough to revive her. It should have been impossible.

In the end, Bob discovered Gertrude’s true nature. At first, he despised her for her wickedness in attempting to murder his friend. But, alas, she was pregnant with his child, so he stayed with her.

The vile man from before was threatening Bob and Gertrude. Susan couldn’t let her friend’s life be ruined. Not again. And so…she murdered the wicked man in cold blood.

Susan was to be sent away, it was decided, as punishment. Susan knew she wouldn’t be coming back. As she made her goodbyes to her dearest friend, she said, “Bob…there’s something…I wanted to say. That I’ve meant to say always but never have. And since it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet again, I might as well say it now.”

But she couldn’t. She couldn’t tell Bob the truth of her heart, only to break his by leaving him. So she didn’t say it.

Anyone can see that what Susan was going to say to Bob was “I love you”. That Susan and Bob were always in love from the very beginning. It was always a love story. But suddenly you replace “Susan” and “Bob” with two men named “Sherlock Holmes” and “John Watson”, and it’s just a friendship story. A friendship story with an inordinate amount of gay jokes.

I am so incredibly angry with you, BBC. ~TRL