Review: “Captain America: Civil War”

***The following blog post is rated “S” for “Spoilers”.***

First thing I want to say is…

CIVIL WAR IS IN MY TOP TWO M.C.U. MOVIES AT THE MOMENT. IN FACT…

*looks around to check if the coast is clear*

…it might have been better than The Avengers.

*is burned at the stake for blasphemy*

Okay, crack time over. After Avengers: Age of Ultron, literally 90 minutes of Earth’s Mightiest Heroes sitting around eating schwarma would have appeased me (sorry, Joss, still love you!). But even if CACW had followed a GOOD movie, I still would’ve thoroughly enjoyed it. It was fantastic!

I thought that including so many MCU characters would ruin the mix, but each was utilized like a master chef treating his spice array: chosen selectively, and measured out precisely to where there was just enough to add flavor, but not so much that it overpowered the dish. I even kind of enjoyed Spiderman, and for me, that’s saying something.

The dialogue was brilliant and witty, and the character arcs made sense. They actually made Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff willingly complying with the government work, which was something I initially had my doubts about. Even the Scarlet Witch/Vision scenes worked for me. The whole “we’re both uncontrollable destructive forces whose tendencies for good or evil have yet to be determined” thing was much more well played that Romanoff and Bruce Banner’s “we’re both monsters” angle from AAoU and didn’t imply that being unable to bear children makes a woman a monster. The only thing I have really have to complain about is the bullshit kiss between Steve Rogers and Sharon Carter. Like, I know there was some flirtation in Winter Soldier, but she was literally living a lie the whole time to spy on him for S.H.I.E.L.D., and it seems like the two hadn’t seen each other since that time. Let’s be real: it was only put in to dispel the theories that Steve and Bucky were a gay couple.

But speaking of that…STUCKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! (Was anyone else singing “My Heart Will Go On” when Bucky goes in the cryogenics tank?)

And oh my God! T’Challa! I love him! I cannot wait for the Black Panther movie! And of course, my trash son, Everett Ross! Martin Freeman had about five minutes of screen time, but he managed to steal every one of them. I may or may not have been the first author on ArchiveOfOurOwn to write an Everett Ross/Stephen Strange fic. And Scott Lang, my darling! Gi-Ant-Man! And Sam Wilson! And Hawkeye! And…yeah, okay, fine, Spidey was good. He’s a total loser, as Peter Parker should be, but he had some great moments. His “that shield defies the laws of science!” and “Mr. Stark told me to aim for the legs” lines had me bawling with laughter. Because it’s fucking true. Cap’s shield gets lost all the time and then it magically reappears in Steve’s hand the next time he needs it, and he always, always manages to throw it at the perfect angle for it to bounce back to him, and when he’s using it to block enemy shots, no one shoots his fucking legs which he leaves totally exposed. And I’m constantly pointing that out. No, pointing out plot holes and making them into a joke doesn’t negate the fact that the holes are there, but it’s still funny as hell. It’s too bad Spidey’s a kid because now he’s too young for Wade Wilson. Sigh…

But seriously. Please put Everett Ross and Stephen Strange in a scene together. My Johnlock trash soul needs it. ~TRL

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