Repost: Everything Biologically Wrong With Twilight Vampires

First of all, hello! It’s been a VERY long since I’ve posted, not including my weekly playlist. This post was on my previous blog, “Catie The Awesome”. I’ve decided to delete it, so I’m transferring all my old posts (the good ones, anyway) to here.

*In accordance to The Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency…did not know they had one of those.

Number 1: Vampires are not dead.

Stephanie Meier’s famous vampire family/coven, the Cullens, often point out that they are among the ranks of the living dead. However, this is not true. Vampires are not simply cannibalistic animated corpses, no. In fact, Meier’s vampires factually resemble zombies more than actual vampires, when in truth, vampires are really their own species.

However, vampire anatomy does continue to resemble that of a human’s. For instance, did you know that not only do vampires have beating hearts, but also, hearts that pump blood. Or at least, something close to blood. Vampires also physically age, though none have been known to die from natural causes. And their skin isn’t any harder than human skin. Just…whiter. And colder. (That’s one thing you got right, Stephanie Meier.)

Number 2: Vampires don’t f**kin’ sparkle.

For one thing, “real” vampires do NOT go out in the sunlight. Not only would it burn a vampire to death, but vampires have highly sensitive eyes, which would be rendered blind in regular light. Why do you think vamps hunt at night? Why do you think their castles are always so dimly lit?

Also, physically speaking, how would light simply bounce off a vampire’s skin? It’s not like vampiric transformation turns human skin into a mirror. (Or a prism, if we’re talking about the rainbow thing.) Edward’s not a vampire, he’s a tampon dipped in glitter!

Number 3: Vampires aren’t snakes. They don’t have “venom”.

Vampirism is like AIDS. The victim doesn’t become a vampire because his predator’s fangs injected him with vampire spit. Vampirism derives from an actual virus. HVV (human vampirism virus) sourced from the bat flea, which was transferred to the vampire bat, and well…you know the rest.

Number 4: Vampires do not smell delicious.

In Twilight, Bella finds Edward’s scent intoxicating. Maybe she gets high off huffing ammonia. Because that’s what real vampires smell like. Ammonia. And death.

Number 5: People do not smell like flowers.

Edward tells Bella that she smells like roses. No, no she doesn’t. She smells like raw meat.

Number 6: Breathing.

Since vamps do actually have blood, yes, they do need oxygen. But since the vampire body only runs a temperature of about 60ºF, they just don’t need as much of it as humans.

Number 7: Diet.

Humans contain about 6 liters of blood in their body, but a vampire’s stomach only holds about one and a half. Therefore, one human could make about four meals for a vampire. And vampires have to watch their intake, because they have considerably slower metabolisms. So yes, vampires can get fat.

Also, while the idea of a “vegetarian” vampire sounds nice, the truth is that prolonged consuming of animal blood wouldn’t sustain a vampire forever. And no, a vampire cannot drink another vampire’s blood either, because it’s not really blood. They absolutely need human blood to survive.

And yes, vampires only eat once a month, but also require water once a month as well. (Surprised? So am I.) And before you ask, yes: vampires have to use the bathroom sometimes. Where’d you think all that blood was going? Was it just magically ceasing to exist once the vamp absorbs its nutrients? No. Anything you take into your body has to come out some time.

Also, Edward mentions that human tastes like dirt to vampires. Well, no, that’s not true. Food still tastes the same to vampires, but it does a number on their surprisingly finicky stomachs. Needless to say, vampires strive to stick to a liquid diet.

Number 8: Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Vampires (at least the males) can’t have sex. Blood flows slower in vampires, which renders the males impotent.  Also, the transformation leaves vampires completely infertile, so the question of a vampire baby is out.

Number 9: Vampire “venom” is not magic fairy dust.

Carlisle, the doctor vampire, claims that vampire “vemon” (which we’ve already proved to be a fallacy) has healing properties. Uh, no it doesn’t. That’s bulls**t. The vampire virus changes DNA; it doesn’t not have magical powers of healing.

Also, as to the beauty thing, I don’t think that vampires are any more beautiful than humans. I think Bella just happened to stumble across a family of very good looking individuals…all of whom happened to be vampires. (Plus, in my opinion, none of the Cullens from the movies are that attractive…just weird and fishy looking.)

In conclusion…

So there you have it. Nine reasons why Twilight vampires basically…suck.

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One thought on “Repost: Everything Biologically Wrong With Twilight Vampires

  1. I’m a bit late to the party, but I wanted to say thanks for the feedback on our FVZA work. =)

    Just to clarify a few things for fun: the central heart no longer beats in vampires, but they do effectively gain new “hearts” in the form of multiple muscle pumps in the arms and legs. Their zombie cousins are the same way, except their circulation is a lot slower, to the point where their soft tissues start to rot.

    And even though vampires (like zombies) have slowed metabolisms, their high mobility and purely-liquid diet help keep them quite slim (even if they started off overweight upon infection).

    Their month-long ability to go without water is also a result of their metabolism, along with their tendency to retain more fluid than humans (less sweating and urination), as well as their ability to hibernate to postpone death. It also allows them to avoid taking in too much water while feeding on blood.

    Lastly, “weird and fishy looking” is actually a good way to describe the FVZA’s vampires–especially the black shark eyes and hairless pale skin–so that’s one detail Twilight gets right (aside from the head hair that somehow stays rooted despite no longer growing). But yes, not exactly what you’d call beautiful. =)

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