How NOT To Time Travel

Now, I’ve seen a lot of movies and TV shows about time travel (I don’t know if you know this or not, but I kind of like Doctor Who), and I think I’ve pretty much gotten the basics of successful, non-harmful time travel down pat. There are just three basic rules you have to adhere to, but if you do, time travel can be an excellent past time.

Rule #1: Don’t kill Hitler.
You weren’t the first person to think of this; you won’t be the last. The first thing everyone thinks when time traveling is, “I’m gonna kill Hitler!” Or altering history in some other, very influencial way. Just…don’t do it. It’s not smart.

I know what you’re saying: “But Hitler was terrible! He caused the Holocaust and World War II! How could it be a bad idea to off him before he kills all those innocent people?” Yes, I know, and I fully appreciate your good intentions. Doesn’t mean you’re on any less of a road to Hell.

Okay, let’s take Hitler for example. Say you kill him before he rises to power. Now you’ve prevented the slaughter of over six million Jews, and the lives of countless soldiers in World War II. Which is good, right? Except now, a whole lot more people exist in the world. And so do their children. And their children. And their children. The world population just got a whole lot bigger, you see? You might have caused future overpopulation, or more prominent world hunger. Plus you never know who could have been among those ranks-it could even be the Hitler of this generation, or someone worse than Hitler! You just don’t know.

Bottom line is…don’t save MLK, don’t try to stop 9-11, and don’t kill Hitler. Because I hate to bring divine intervention into this but…sometimes things just happen because that’s the way they were meant to happen.

Rule #2: Don’t have an affair.
Or if you do, you jolly well better not get married and/or have children. With someone from the past or future, I mean. Wanna start a family? Do it with someone from your own time period. Because you never know. That handsome romantic Roman gladiator could be your great-great-great…great grandfather. Or that scantily clad half robot girl might be one of your descendants. Then DNA kicks in and all your children have one eye and stumps for legs…we’re talking temporal incest, people. Stay away from that sh*t.

Which brings me to rule three, which I cannot stress enough…

Rule #3: Don’t meddle with your own timeline.
This is the biggie. The one people always screw up on. Let me say this once and for all: do not go back and alter your own timeline.

You’re probably arguing that there can absolutely consequences to changing your own personal history. Au contraire, mon frere! There are HUGE repercussions. Believe me, I know, I’ve often entertained the idea of going back an hour and having a conversation with myself, but it can’t happen!

Let me give you an example. Say you fail a math test. So you go back and give yourself the answers so that you score a 100%. Okay, well now, the version of you that failed the test doesn’t exist. So now, you can’t go back and give yourself the answers, because you don’t exist. So since you didn’t give yourself the answers, you failed the test. So you go back and give yourself the answers. But now, you don’t exist, so you can’t. So you fail the test…it’s an endless circle! It’s called a paradox, and that sh*t will rip apart the universe. (And don’t think you can cheat and indirectly interfere; meddling is meddling!)

So, to review: don’t change major historical events, don’t have children with someone outside your time period, and DON’T alter your own timeline. If you just follow those three simple rules, time travel can be a pleasurable experience. Okay, that’s my rant for the day. ~TRL

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