Dear human bodies,
Why do you do this to us? We understand about the pimples, the weight gain, and the wrinkles, because we know that’s not your fault. But what we don’t understand is why you feel the need to attack yourself AND the human beings inhabiting you all for no good reason? Why must you get sneezy and congested and sore throaty at the slightest change in weather or barometric pressure? Why do you have to torture people by making them allergic to wonderful things, like cats, or peanuts, or God forbid, chocolate? Why not be allergenic to actual bad things, like lava? Or grasshoppers?
Now I speak to my own body alone. You, young lady, need to get your priorities straight. While you did a great jobs of serving your owner this winter by not getting sick once, not even during the great influenza pandemic in Texas (thank you, thank you, thank you), now that the weather is getting warm again (shout out to God), I really would like not to lose my voice or have to buddy up with a bag of cough drops. Don’t you understand? I am a choir student. I need my voice! Why would you do this to meeee? *sobs* All my friends went on vacation without me this spring break. Haven’t I suffered enough? *cries some more*